Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Nuts About Nuts.

Featuring image  magazine – Where thoughts go to die

Ah the Lad’s mag; Britain’s cultural defecation. Lad’s mags are as much a part of British society as binge drinking, football hooliganism and uneducated rants about immigration.  They have been a part of our life since the early C16th when, according to a historian I didn’t speak to and who might well not exist, Henry VIII commissioned local artists to chisel images of breasts into pieces of slate. Which is a bit weird really, seeing as quite a lot of rather good painters were around at the time.  Then again, I guess slate is wipe-clean so maybe he knew best.  image

For those of  you who don’t know, the lower end of these magazines essentially provide those incapable of reading or unwilling to read full articles with a heady combination of tits, football, mildly offensive jokes, more tits, more football and occasionally tits playing football, although that probably says more about the English Premier League than it does the publications in question. The effect of this is an overall assurance that we’re all allowed to resort to the most basic stereotype of our genders without offending society, i.e women will walk around with their tits out and men will kick footballs at them…or something.

As is the case with pretty much everything, there are some lad’s mags that are considerably worse than others, or indeed better depending on how capable you are of rudimentary thought. If you had to look up the word rudimentary then but got distracted Googling nudy pics, it’s probably best that you keep staring at them. There is nothing for you here.

By a complete freak of circumstance today, my phone decided to redirect me to a mobile version of Nuts magazine (essentially a brightly coloured children’s book with naked women). Nuts Mobile, if you can believe it, is a stripped down version of the popular magazine, designed to enable men to be thoughtless, one-track-minded spunk hoses whilst ‘on the go’. What I found, after idly staring at half naked women for a few minutes (sorry, not helping myself here) was a collection of ‘articles’ aimed so firmly at a cave-dwelling, serial-masturbating male society that at first I thought it was maybe a joke; a divine parody illustrating the flaws of stereotyping. If you’re not sure what I’m talking about,  allow me to show you. Here are some of the ‘best’ bits of Nuts Mobile, and whilst we’re on the subject, does anyone know how to nominate something for a Pulitzer?

Assess my Breasts

The rhyming title of this feature is by far and away the best part of it, and considering how shit it is that should tell you a lot. Assess my Breasts is entirely as pointless as it sounds. Essentially, a picture of some breasts – most often a pair of them – appears on the screen and you get to give them a mark out of five, one being for especially good tits and five being for very, very bad tits. Not only is this a purposefully misogynistic exercise in objectifying women but it doesn’t even have the gumption to objectify a whole one, nope, just the tits. I can only assume the reason for this is that tits on their own are less likely to kick up a fuss about it. This theory is backed up by OFCOM statistics that confirm that not one complaint has been made by a pair of breasts since the organisation’s inception.


The one positive of this feature comes in the form of a guide to social acceptance, making sure that the readers of Nuts don’t stray too far into the deep waters of independent thought. Once you have assessed a breast, marked a mammary, testified to your liking of a tit etc, you get to see exactly what everyone else graded them, thus making sure that your taste in teats is in keeping with every other moron with nothing better to do and an internet connection too slow to stream real porn.


“Oi, Wayne, what did you think of those ones?”

“Four mate.”

“Yeah. Yeah, me too.”

Quite what it is that’s supposed to be titillating about this process is beyond me. From what I saw (breasts 1 through 6) the majority of the photographs featured two lifeless, dismembered (in purely photographic terms) boobs, that look like they’ve been snapped during break time in the local morgue. The process is in fact so much more similar to flicking through a serial killer’s scrap book than actually seeing a woman naked that I fear I may have stumbled upon something rather gross and quite possibly highly illegal.

Moving on…

Pub Ammo

Yeah, pubs! Because we’re men and when we’re not looking at breasts we’re almost certainly in the pub, sat around with our mates in our football shirts talking about them. But, what about when breasts will no longer suffice in terms of conversation? Well luckily Nuts’ Pub Ammo will provide you with interesting tit-bits (I know, I’m brilliant) with which to amaze your friends. Want an example? You’ve got it, but be warned that you are about to find me absolutely fucking fascinating. image

“The average smell weighs 760 nanograms.” I know, right! 

Not impressed? How about this…

“The average length of an alarm clock’s snooze button is nine minutes.”

Now, I don’t pretend to know every group of friends in the country, but I’m fairly sure if I brought these facts up completely out of context within my circle of amigos (remind me never to say that again, it makes us sound like Spanish pagans) it would be met with one of the following reactions.

  • “Whatever, i heard your penis weighs 760 nanograms.”
  • *prolonged blank stare*
  • “Who brought Rain Man to the pub?”


  • “I never did like you much.”

And I’d fucking deserve it as well.

Street Strip

Ah, now this is more like it. Gone are the days of staring at individual body parts. Let’s not just focus on the tits, lets judge an entire girl on her physical appearance. What’s that, she’s only 18? That’s alright, let’s’ave a look.


Oh, bit disappointing. But wait, there’s a fact at the bottom.

Leah, 18 “likes to walk around in her underwear most of the time.”

I’m not sure what kind of response this is supposed to provoke but I’m going to hazard a guess at:

Ah that’s actually quite nice, I feel a bit like I know Leah now. I can imagine her walking around the flat in her underwear, doing the ironing and bringing my mates beers when we’re watching the footy. I bet she’s lovely and I bet nobody would find it socially awkward at all. After all, if she does it most of the time people must be used to it.  I bet she’s clever too. I wonder if there’s a picture of her with her bra off.

Is anyone really this lonely? Shut up. I’m not.

Literally everything else on the mobile web version of Nuts is an extension of the naked-girl theme. Which is fine, if not a little confusing seeing as quite a lot of the internet is devoted to naked girls, the majority of whom probably don’t spend their weekends drinking cider on a park bench in Rotherham. In order to illustrate the extent of Nuts’ bollocks however, I had a quick peek at the web version to see what else the geniuses behind this stunning publication think men should be interested in.

The initial results are shown in the form of a pie chart. Because everybody loves pie charts and if you don’t YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF PUFF OR SUMMIT, WAAAY PUFTAAA, SOMEONE GIVE ME A BEER. Buuuurp.

Contents of Nuts online (warning: results are drawn from extensive yet entirely fabricated research)


So there you have it. This pie chart, according to Nuts magazine, also doubles as a brain map of the average man’s interests. And to be fair, in some cases it’s probably fairly accurate. I love football, female nudity in the right context and chips, and I have on occasion been known to make the odd shit joke (that wasn’t an invitation to scroll up and count, stop it). But what I, and most other fully functioning male members of society don’t like, is asinine trivia about the weight of smells, rating boobs out of 5 (a 1-10 scale is obviously preferable) and Danny fucking Dyer.

Despite this, Nuts sells, and so several questions still remain: who is buying this? Are there really men out there capable only of such basic thought that this is enough mental stimulation to suffice, or are the readers of Nuts just turning to their favourite magazine as a breather between chapters of The Grapes of Wrath? And what keeps the readers coming back? Is it the tits? Then why not buy porn? Is it a more socially acceptable version of porn which you can buy over the counter without embarrassment? Then why not pull the curtains closed and buy broadband? The mind truly boggles. Although clearly not in some cases.

* Photos are the property of Nuts, apart from the one of Henry VIII and the one of the surprised looking lad with the phone. I don’t know who they belong to in all honesty, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t be bothered to check.
NB: I’d like to apologise for the amount of times I’ve used the words tit or tits or any of its other derivatives in this blog. We all know that swearing is awesome and the more you do it the cooler you get, but I think in this case either my vocabulary or the lack of synonyms our humble language has for said tits has let me, and more importantly you, down. Therefore I apologise on both behalf of myself and the limitations of the English language for the abundance of what could be misconstrued as booby bashing in the above text.