Monday, 8 March 2010

I’d Like to Thank The Academy

Yesterday the Hollywood elite got groomed and  gowned and gathered at the world-famous Kodak Theatre in order to attend the image82nd annual Academy Awards.  The hours following this saw countless bloggers stuck to their keyboards reporting on the ceremony as if you couldn’t read the highlights on a million websites already. For some it was exciting, for others it was life-changing, for most it was rather tedious.

Personally I had made a decision not to write anything about the Oscars® because I didn’t want to stay up till 4am listening to celebrities cry into a microphone. My position on this was resolute until a rather amusing snippet of Quentin Tarantino surfaced on another website, making me want to put it on mine and causing me to  to write this utterly boring intro just so I can make a cheap innuendo-filled joke in a couple of paragraph's time.

First though, whilst I’m here, how about a bit of background.

THE MADE-UP HIstory of the oscars®

The Oscars® were the brain-child of much celebrated actor and part-time homeless drug addict Oscar The Grouch, who after a successful acting career went on to play a parody of himself in hit children’s show Sesame Street. The first official awards took place on the 16th May 1929 (coincidentally my –54th birthday) when Oscar persuaded a group of imagephotographers from the L.A Times to take photographs of him handing a small gold figurine to good friend Big Bird, for his performance in underground hit ‘Big Birds, Big Loads’.

The ceremony was taken more seriously in later years and many more figurines were made to hand to other  actors who played parts in films that weren’t pornographic. Early winners included Sandra Bullock for her role as Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell in ‘Top Gun’, Pee Wee Herman for his moving portrayal of Al Capone in Steven Spielberg’s ‘E.T.’ and Meryl Streep for everything she has ever been in, ever.

Winners of the Oscars® are voted for by a large group of unknowns who feature prominently in the Hollywood community. Around 90% of these people are assumed to be Scientologists whilst the other 10% are the many incarnations of George Lucas, who were invited to join the committee after one of them cast an Oscar® figurine as a camp robot in his much revered Star Wars trilogy.

The modern-day Oscar® ceremony is normally hosted by Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg or Steve Martin. It is rumoured that sometimes the three dress as each other so it is impossible to tell who is genuinely presenting the show each year. In 1998 Billy Crystal dressed as Whoopi Goldberg whilst Steve Martin broke tradition and dressed as Danger Mouse, causing the real Danger Mouse to Dress and Whoopi Goldberg also. This tore a hole in the space-time continuum and caused Billy Crystal to stop existing between February and March of that year.
imageBilly Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg or Steve Martin. Your guess is as good as mine.

5 made-up oscar® Facts

  1. During WWI, President of the USA, Woodrow Wilson, banned the entirety of the United States from watching the Oscars® because they didn’t exist yet.  He went on to say that he wouldn’t discuss the mater further because none of this scenario makes any sense.
  2. Some people who have never won an Oscar® include Tom Cruise, Sir Edmund Hillary, Patrick Moore, Bobby Moore, and Myself.
  3. In 1999 a petition was formed to convince Tomy® to make the Oscar® statuettes anatomically correct. Tomy® declined because they play no part in the production of the awards whatsoever. Sources close to the company say those involved were perplexed as to why they received the petition in the first place.
  4. An Oscar® statuette can weigh anywhere between .05Oz and 115lbs. The dramatic weight difference is designed to embarrass actors when they go to receive their award. In 2000 winner of the ‘Best Moustache’ Oscar®, Julia Roberts, slipped a disc in her back when carrying her award from the stage. She was quoted as saying, “Ow, Jesus fucking Christ, ow!” and then later, “Yeah, that was actually pretty funny! You guys! I’ll get you next year.” Julia was banned from the 2001 event as she was caught smuggling a rifle into the Kodak Theatre.
  5. No-one with a beard has ever won more than thirteen Oscars®.

This years highlights in pictures

Quite a lot of the fuss surrounding the Oscars® is focused on dresses. Here three women wear one…each.
Here Quentin Tarantino subtly gives a hand job to a gentleman just out of shot, much to the delight of the only warlock invited to the ceremony. (courtesy of

Jeff Bridges, the coolest man alive, spots Tarantino post-money-shot and Sandra Bullock takes home an award, surprising anyone who doubted the artistic merit of ‘Miss Congeniality 3’.
“Steve Martin tells Whoopi Goldberg her Billy Crystal costume is below par.”

The 2010 winners

So, in case you haven’t read this somewhere else, which could only really happen if your browser had frozen on my website, here are the winners courtesy of .

Actually, on second thoughts, I’m not going to write them all out because it would take ages and I’m very lazy. I’m not even going to copy and paste them. So there. Just click the link why don’t you.

Thanks go to and for pointing out and hosting the Tarantino clip, along with some others that are worth checking out.

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