Tuesday, 23 February 2010

It’s a Conspiracy

Those of you familiar with the internet will be aware that a large percentage of the content where people wear clothes is comprised of conspiracy theories.

For those of you not familiar with the internet; hello, you are on the internet.

These theories range from the absurd to the, well, the more absurd, and are mostly constructed by groups of men and women (although let’s be fair, mostly men) living in their parents’ basements, taking short breaks from Star Trek marathons in order to speculate over whether or not it was the Government who was behind the disappearance of Tab (Mountain Dew to us English Folk).

Live Conspiracy Theorising
They are the kinds of men who have very few life skills and exactly no social skills but can most likely do incredible things with a computer and could, if they so chose, probably communicate with you entirely through binary. They are also rather handy when it comes to making tin-foil hats (as pictured right). This may seem like a blatant attempt to stereotype a much maligned sub-society, but as the old saying goes, 011 000 001 100 01 001. So you can’t accuse me of being overly judgmental.

Anyhow, I fancied taking the time out of my busy schedule to refute a few of these theories, so without any further ado, or any further use of the term further ado, here are a few of my favourite conspiracy theories, and the reasons why they are utterly ridiculous.

Hitler is alive

This one has been touted around for ages, no doubt since the end of WWII. Rumour has it that Adolf has been in hiding somewhere for the last however-many-years, presumably playing the world’s longest game of Risk and being racist under his breath. Some theories claim he is in Argentina, others suggest he is now living as a woman, and my personal favourite points out that he could quite possibly be running a Caribbean cocktail bar with Elvis. “Hey bartender, know how to make a Red Eye?”, “Nein.”

The truth

I could probably spend quite a bit of time highlighting reasons why Hitler is very much not alive right now. However, time is short (as was the man in question) and I feel that one reason is good enough: Adolph Hitler was born in 1889, that means, if he were alive today, HE WOULD BE ONE HUNDRED AND TEWENTY-ONE YEARS OLD! If that’s not enough to convince you, it may be worth mentioning that he shot himself in the head whilst chewing on a cyanide capsule, an action which according to most doctors would end in death, or at the very least a severe headache and poorly tummy.

This seemingly irrefutable proof does not stop ‘I’ve seen Hitler’ photographs from emerging every so often however.
imageimage image image
Similar rumours have been circulated regarding Elvis, Tupac Shakur, M.J. and pretty much anyone else that ever died. As far as I am aware, there has been no change regarding their state of deadness. Yes, deadness.


Remember when people thought the world was going to end in 1998? And then again in the year 2000? Well, it’s pretty much that, again.

Tireless research has led me to believe that this has something to do with a calendar created by the ancient Mayans which runs out in the year 2012. You can probably find more in-depth info on this somewhere else, but it would more than likely be a waste of your time, so don’t. Apparently this whatever-it-is is going to cause numerous natural disasters ranging from volcanoes and earthquakes to another Jason Mraz album, resulting in us all dying a terrifying and painful death. Thanks a lot, Mraz, you prick. If anyone survives, I am led to believe that it will be probably be John Cusack.

The truth

There’s so much information on this that I was forced to give up after reading one paragraph. I say forced, I mean through choice I stopped reading and had a quick search for the above Hitler pictures. I do, however, after only reading a little snippet of info, have a counter-theory:

The Mayan’s lived from around 300AD to 900AD. Now, even my maths is good enough to figure out that was exactly… (counts fingers) a really long time ago. Presumably one man, let’s call him Brian, was responsible for constructing this calendar, a job that would no doubt be incredibly dull and have no sway with the ladies whatsoever. Here’s what I think happened:
The scene is a Mayan bar. Our hero, BRIAN, sits at a table drinking a beer, he is joined by KEITH (a typical Mayan name).
Keith - Hi Bri’, how’s the calendar coming?
Brian – Yeah, good thanks, I’ve got as far as 2012.
Keith – Ha…you’re kidding right?
Brian – No, 2012. Why?
Keith – Dude, it’s 306AD! How long are you going to keep going for?
Brain – Well I can’t just stop. What about when it runs out?
Keith – Who cares, you’ll be really, really dead. Our life expectancy is, like, 15 years!
Brian – Yeah, but Mayan Hitler lived until he was 121.
Keith – Oh, Jesus, who I haven’t really heard much about yet. Not this again. Look, the calendar’s retarded, no-one needs it, we’re all going to die young and unhappy next time we anger The Sun God. Just relax.
Brian – Shit, you’re right.
Want to get really drunk? I don’t have to be at work until someone invents a clock. 


You can hardly walk into a bar these days without hearing this one. That is if the bar you drink in happens to be full of morons, who talk a lot, specifically about the moon landing being faked.

Conspiracy theorist seem to have an idea that all that ‘people landing on the moon’ malarkey was just a big fabrication to fool the Russians into thinking they were shit at exploring space during the Cold War. That’s it, hit ‘em where it hurts America, ‘your rockets are shit’ *snigger*.image

Other theories probably, but not actually, extend to the moon itself being fake and being created by giants of the cheese trade ‘Cathedral City’, astronauts all being dickheads (that theory is mine) and spaceships being phallic in shape not because it increases aerodynamics, but because world leaders find it highly amusing (also mine).

Apparently all the fuss comes from some photographs where some people think some things just don’t add up, whereas other people, people who know about both photography and the moon, think the first set of people are bona fide idiots.
So was the moon landing filmed on a Hollywood sound stage?

The truth

No. No, it wasn’t. Here are some reasons why.

*Have you seen films from the 50’s? They couldn’t make earth look convincing, why would they try and pull off the moon?
*Surely a better way to show Russia who’s boss would be to bomb the shit out of it. Lot less effort, no?
*Where do people think these astronauts went? Real people, with real eyes, saw a space ship with real astronauts take off. Were they just flown to Palm Springs for a few weeks of gay sex and cocktails, doubtful.
*My Gran watched it on telly.
*Who cares? Looks boring there anyway.

George bush orchestrated September 11th

For those of you just waking from a coma I feel it’s only polite to fill you in on a couple of things. Firstly, America recently had a president who was retarded. Investigations are still going on as to how this was allowed to happen, but recent theories are blaming equal-opportunities employment legislation. Secondly, whilst George Bush was in the White House, some bad men flew some planes into some tall buildings killing lots of innocent people. Up to speed? Good.

Many conspiracy theorists seem to think that Bush himself orchestrated this entire event. There are countless documentaries and articles online that provide endless amounts of ‘evidence’ that El Presidente knew a little more than was let on. Close links with the Bin Laden family and immediate attempts to take over some parts of the world in order to steal oil under the guise of a ‘war on terrorism’ increased suspicion to the point that there were a lot more theorists being ignored than usual.

The truth

It’s not my place to say whether or not the U.S government had any hand in this attack on their own soil. personally, I doubt it, although let’s be fair there were some shady fuckers in that cabinet and I wouldn’t put much past them. What I will say is this, George Bush couldn’t orchestrate a fart without help. Have you seen how close together his eyes are? Have you heard the man speak? No, not our guy. The aptly named Dick Chaney however…

The swine flu vaccination is designed to control the population

So, swine flu eh, sucks if you have it, irrelevant if you don’t. As with all other people, conspiracy theorists tend to jump on to tabloid bandwagons at will. When the news of a swine flu vaccination hit the headlines it was only (probably) a matter of hours before someone came to the conclusion that the government-issued injections were designed to kill people in order to control our ever-increasing population. But is it true?

The truth

I don’t care if this is true or not, but if it is may I suggest that we vaccinate the following:
  • Simon Cowell – for crimes against waistlines
  • Mika – for crimes against my hearing
  • Bill O’Reilly – for crimes against journalism
  • Bono – for crimes against sunglasses
  • The Program Commissioner for BBC3 – for crimes against television
  • Jeremy Kyle – for crimes against chavs
  • Paul Walker – for crimes against acting
  • John McCririck – for everything
I could probably do this all day, you get the point though.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

The Mayer of Idiotsville

John Mayer proves silence is golden if the alternative is hearing his thoughts.

If  ignorance is bliss then John Mayer must be on cloud 9, possibly masturbating furiously to pictures of Jessica Simpson and spunking napalm on unsuspecting white women. At least that’s what his recent interview with Playboy magazine would lead us to believe.

These days Mayer is more famous for his celebrity relationships than for his music, which depending on who you ask is either genius or so middle-of-the-road it’s the auditory equivalent of a dotted white line or a small flattened mammal with tyre tracks on its back. Flings with Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and most recently, Jessica Simpson have thrust the blues artist into the limelight in recent years, making him exactly the kind of person I find it incredibly easy not to write about. Until this week he was entirely ignorable; a blip on someone else’s radar if you will. That was before the world’s most famous gentleman’s magazine featured an interview  proving him to be twice the misguided idiot I ever would have imagined.image

Taking baby-steps towards offending a nation, Mayer warmed up by talking about a variety of subjects ranging from the completely uninteresting to the absurd.

He started by discussing his relationship with the press, stating that he prefers Twitter because it gives him a chance to share his real thoughts and not be misrepresented, “With Twitter I can share my real voice. Here’s me thinking about stuff: ‘Wouldn’t it be cool if you could download food.’

Yes, that is John Mayer’s real voice. How did we live without it? Maybe one day he’ll write a book, ‘Mayer’s Musings’, and we can all be privy to the innermost thoughts of the worlds hungriest dullard.

After his hunger pangs passed Mayer went on to talk about porn, stating that his dream job would be to write pornography and that there are days when he sees up to 300 hundred vaginas before he gets out of bed. It beats counting sheep I suppose but it does beg the question ‘how do you get out of bed when you are cemented to your sheets?’

He also goes on to inform an audience who are ever eager to learn about the masturbatory habits of the celebrity elite, that he’s actually a bit of a wanker, “I have the most unbelievable orgasms alone. They’re always the best. They always end the way I want them to end.” A long embrace and some pillow talk perhaps? Oh, right, jizz. How silly of me. It’s hard to say whether Mayer believes that he is alone in this ability to make himself climax, but he certainly seems proud of it, so why dampen his spirits?

All this is all well and good, and I’m not one to jump on the back of any musician who just happens to be particularly dull or talks about wanking a lot. It was statements  made in the latter parts of the interview that really lit a fire under the world of internet complainers. So much so that Playboy’s home page has been causing my computer to crash for the last two hours as thousands of people swamp the server in search of John Mayer, or possibly boobs. Hard to say.

Mayer, who since birth has missed the part of the brain that prevents people from saying utterly retarded things in front of journalists, went on to compare Jessica Simpson to “Sexual Napalm” (seriously John, if it’s burning see a doctor), call ex Jennifer Aniston a technophobe (Jennifer is yet to respond as she’s struggling to write an email on her toaster) and then, just to add icing to the cake,  went ahead and dropped the N bomb. No, not napalm this time. He said “nigger” in response to a question about why he is so popular with black people.


“Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass?”

After what I can only assume was a slightly awkward silence, Meyer went on to explain that he doesn’t sleep with black women because “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist.”

Something tells me Meyer’s “Hood Pass” may have just been revoked. I mean the other stuff is fair enough; maybe Aniston can’t work a computer and maybe Simpson does have highly corrosive bodily fluids (although I’m fairly sure that’s not what he meant), but at what point did he think he’d be able to get away with saying that? Luckily Meyer swiftly changed the subject with the following piece of nonsense:

“Here’s what I really want to do at 32: fuck a girl and then, as she’s sleeping in bed, make breakfast for her. So she’s like, ‘What? You gave me five vaginal orgasms last night, and you’re making me a spinach omelette? You are the shit!’ So she says, ‘I love this guy.’ I say, ‘I love this girl loving me…When I’m fucking you, I’m trying to fuck every man who’s ever fucked you, but in his ass, so you’ll say ‘No one’s ever done that to me in bed.’ ”

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. You’ve got to admire the detail though. The fact that he’s actually thought about what he’s going to put in the omelette shows he has a caring side. Come to think of it, anybody hungry? Wouldn’t it be cool if you could download spinach omelettes?

Predictably, after delivering an interview that reads a little like an internet chat between a horny teenager and a journalist who accidentally got the wrong msn address, Mayer issued an apology. This is what is commonly referred to as damage control, or as Mayer would possibly call it, ‘public relations napalm’. The apology came in the form of a flurry of tweets (that way we know it’s John’s real voice, clever huh) although it’s yet to be made clear whether or not a few 140 character bursts of common sense will be enough to soothe the hurt of a word that reminds folk of hundreds of years of oppression, or the bigger hurt caused by so many people being forced to visualise John Mayer’s sex life. Probably though, eh.