Tuesday, 3 February 2009

The Infinite Scope of Horror

Horoscopes, along with The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny and Simon Cowell’s soul, are something I don’t believe in. After doing a bit of research this guy (amongst others) helped confirm my suspicions that astrology is mostly page filler and revenue accumulator, by spectacularly failing to judge Obama’s chances of success in the presidential election based on his star sign. I’m not really sure what he was expecting, I’ve never read a horoscope in my life that predicted someone would become the leader of a world power, but maybe that shows ignorance on my part.

I decided though, seeing as seemingly anybody can try their hand at this type of thing (seriously mystic meg is not psychic, she just sounds retarded which is why she convinces people), that I, myself, would put together a weekly horoscope for you all.

Before you have a read though I think it’s important that I talk a little about the scientific process that allowed me to draw this up, and in turn the process that I believe all astrologers use.

Great, now let’s crack on.

         Aries 

The moon is in cahoots with Jupiter this week as its relationship with mars has dried up due to a stagnant sex life. This will lead to you meeting someone special, either promising or remedial depending on your definition of the word. Either way you will soon come to dislike them. By the end of the week you will have lost the will to live and may consider a change of hairstyle.

         Taurus

Advice you receive from a friend will seem unusually perceptive. This is because they have been reading your diary and are now aware of your deepest fears. Towards the end of the week you will realise that rash isn’t clearing up. A trip to the doctors will be both humiliating and invasive, so it’s best just to cross your fingers and hope for the best. Try not to scratch it.

          Gemini

A long lost relative whose memory you have repressed enters your life again this week. Bad things happen, Saturn watches.

         Cancer

The concentric circles Neptune draws around Uranus (te he) will cause everything to seem a little arbitrary this week. A chance at promotion may be missed because you have spent the last three months updating your Facebook status, photoshopping your bosses head onto pornographic images and trying to figure out what twitter is good for.

         Leo

Due to this week’s full moon you will find yourself open to the suggestions of others. This will lead to some experimentation on your part and the eventual realisation that you were right all along -it does hurt, and afterwards you do feel dirty and used. A hot bath will make you feel a little better.

         Virgo

Someone with legs will make a difference to your life this week, possibly for the better, probably for the worse. By Wednesday, no Thursday, you will forget your middle name and will be forced to ask a stranger, they won’t know.

         Libra

Shit week! Stay in bed.

         Scorpio

At 3.36 am Monday morning you will be sound asleep when something happens. It wont wake you, but it’s worth bearing in mind. Come mid-week you will be overcome with the urge to e-mail your bank details to the following address: john_kerrison@hotmail.com You should go through with it.

         Sagittarius

Pluto’s touching of one of Saturn’s rings will cause a sudden lack of positive energy for the majority of the week. Come Friday you will wake with the sudden realisation that no-one likes you very much. It was only a matter of time. A descent from a tall building brings with it closure.

        Capricorn

Beware of the moons negative influence, he can be a proper c*nt sometimes. Despite this you will have a reasonably successful week, although you will still be confused as to why Madonna is still allowed to make records. Put this out of your mind and try not to think of her horrible, horrible face.

         Aquarius

According to professional astrologer (I know) Annabel Burton, The Tin Man from the yellow brick road is an Aquarius. This isn’t entirely relevant to the week ahead of you but it is undeniably a fun fact, and one that really reinforces the scientific principals of astrology…dick.  http://www.annabelburton.com

          Pisces

Be sensitive to the feelings of others around you. That’s just good advice in general really. Other than that all you can really expect from the week ahead is the same old soul-destroying drudge of the day-to-day working life. Mid-week you’ll meet someone who offers the chance of romance, but lets be honest, are you really going to do anything about it? No, no you’re not. You’re going to trip over your words, blush a little, say something unbelievably stupid and then go home and download a lifetime’s worth of porn. You  pathetic loser. An envelope may bring luck come Tuesday.