Tuesday, 8 December 2009

The 8.2 Million Dollar Man

“I hope that you will not expose or betray this trust”– Kenneth Kubiri

It occurred to me today that the amount of junk Email I receive on a weekly basis exceeds the amount of messages that are of genuine interest to me by a shocking 600%. This statistic is not only depressing but also wildly inaccurate. This week, my intense yearning for any form of human interaction caused me to start replying to said spammers in the hope of striking up a friendship, or at the very least receiving the millions upon millions of pounds that are offered to me by bank managers in Africa. It turns out, judging from the amount of these Emails I receive, that Africa is apparently quite well off. Upon discovering this I cancelled all donations I previously made to African charities and suggested to a few bank managers that they should probably spread the wealth to someone more deserving, seeing as I would merely squander the cash on fast cars, loose women and hard drugs (read as: a buss pass, low-grade pornography and multivitamins).  None of these bank managers seemed to take my advice however, so having surrendered my desire to help others I decided to claim what was rightfully mine. Below is a transcript of the Email conversation I had with someone promising me a large amount of money. My initial reply hasn’t received a response yet, but when it does I GONNA BE RIIIIIIICH!

Your Urgent Assistance Is Needed Please.‏

kenneth kubiri (ken_kubiri01012@msn.com)

Medium riskYou may not know this sender.Mark as safe|Mark as junk

08 December 2009 02:17:45

Dear Friend,

Greetings and compliments of the season? I am writing to seek your cooperation over this business, please due welcome this letter as it may come to you as a Surprise.

I Am (kenneth kubiriManager Foreign Remittance dept at. (B.O.A.) Bank of Africa Ouagadougou-west Africa Here in Burkina Faso . I Need Your Urgent Assistance In Transferring The Sum Of ($8.2) Million To Your Account. I decided to contact you on this business transaction that will be beneficial to both of us. And I hope that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I’m about to repose on you for mutual benefits of our families.

This abandoned sum of money belongs to one of our foreign customer who died without any nomination of the next of kin to the bank, and Has Been Dormant for Years in Our Bank without Claim. Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking policies but unfortunately for years now non of his relations has applied for the claim.

I want the bank to release the money to you as the nearest person to our. Deceased customer, upon your reply. I will give you details on how the business will be executed

I am waiting for your urgent response!!!

Have a nice day

kenneth kubiri

RE: Your Urgent Assistance Is Needed Please.‏‏

John Kerrison (John_Kerrison@hotmail.com)

08 December 2009 03:56:11


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Dear (kenneth kubiriManager,

It is so good to hear from you. In answer to your question 'greetings and compliments of the season?', yes.

You have no idea how happy receiving your Email has made me. Just this morning I received a bill for an MOT that reached the dizzying heights of £552. I was wondering where I could find such a vast amount of money and so in a blind panic I spent my morning performing sexual favours for a group of unkindly strangers that frequent our local bars. I managed to raise exactly £32.46p this way (the 46p resulting from a discount I had to give after a rather unfortunate shaft-chaffing incident) but still had no idea where I could find the rest of the required funds.

Luckily, the first thing I discovered when returning home was your Email promising me the sum of $8.2 million!!!! This will not only cover my MOT but also leave me enough to fund the crack habit that is ravaging my immune system even as I type, and buy a replacement hip for my ailing mother. In fact, I have just informed her of your Email and she is so happy she is currently phoning every member of our family to tell them we are rich. Every member except uncle Peter that is. We don’t talk to him after ‘the incident’ and I don’t think he’d want to talk to me anyway because I broke my promise not to tell about our ‘special game’. Still, this was a long time ago and I digress. Mother says that the fact I have always been a good person means that a chance like this was sure to come along. Having said that, she doesn't know about the things I had to do for money this morning and she tends to frown upon male prostitution. She can be a bit prudish like that, but it’s a generation thing really I guess.

Getting to the point, I am more than happy to enter this business venture with you and haven't even stopped to think about why you would contact me of all people instead of someone slightly nearer to the town of Ouagadougou, West Africa (which I hear is a wonderful holiday destination by the way). I suppose now I think about it, it is a little odd, but I refuse to turn down such an exciting offer. It's like my hero Lionel Ritchie once said: "Hello, is it me you're looking for?"

I like to think we both understand the relevance of that lyric considering our current situation.

As a gesture of our friendship I have enclosed a picture I drew of us standing outside of the massive twin mansions that we will purchase with the oodles of cash we are about to make! I don't actually know what you look like, so some artistic licence has been used. Hope I came close! 

Yours, In business and friendship, 
                                                                        John Kerrison.



I will endeavour to keep you updated on the off-chance that Kenneth replies. The likelihood however, is that I will soon be long gone with my riches, bathing in Champaign and throwing Faberge eggs at homeless people from the deck of my Yacht.