I don't know when I got it, or who I got it from. Yesterday I seemed fine. There were no visible symptoms, no rash, no burning sensation, no unusual secretions. Today however, everything is different. Somehow, I have contracted.....writer's block.
I'm sure it happens to all of us every once in a while. The (occasionally) creative river runs dry, and where once words flowed like vitamin water in a gymnasium, all of a sudden I am arid, destitute, desert.
I honestly can't think of one thing worth spilling words over. Normally when this happens I flick through a newspaper and pick out the article that seems the most preposterous, spattering vitriolic diatribe onto the screen until I get bored and find something else to do.
Unfortunately for me it's a slow news week. I could blog about the credit crunch, or the public outcry resulting from a misjudged practical joke by two British comedians, but seriously I'm sick of hearing about both matters (the latter of which at this point seems to have covered more pages than Watergate).
I sit mulling things over, fingers poised above keys, waiting for a divine moment of inspiration. And then it hits me; in a truly pretentious way, writing about not being able to write, is in turn writing about something. This may sound like the kind of thought pattern that could break the time/space continuum, much like seeing yourself in the future and causing some kind of cataclysmic brain meltdown. But think about it, what I have done here, is in itself, a genuine piece of work.
...not buying it?...me neither.
Instead of sticking with this rather smug hypothesis, I Google 'cures for writer's block', and find something astonishing, life-changing even:
The Emotional Freedom Technique
I know it may sound like the kind of process that will involve forming a circle, hugging a tree, and playing tambourine rhythms to Simon and Garfunkle's back-catalogue, but in truth this is actually some crazy hippy shit.
I watch a video where an American writer takes me through the basics of the EMT.
She tells me to tap the side of my hand whilst uttering a 'setup statement'. I follow her instructions. Her setup statement is as follows:
"even though I have writer's block, I completely love and accept myself"
mine is similar:
"even though I am doing as the crazy lady tells me, I am struggling not to be sick in my mouth"
The loving and accepting continues as the lady in the video taps not only her wrist, but also several different areas of her face. I watch closely and follow instructions. I tap next to my eyebrow, freeing negative energy with each prod. I then tap my temple and my chin, all the time secretly hoping she'll accidentally poke herself in the eye.
She doesn't, I quickly get bored. This goes on for five minutes. She talks to herself FOR FIVE MINUTES. I go and make coffee and come back, she's still talking. Still tapping.
Next we take a deep breath. I feel as if I need it.
"Now what I forgot to do in the beginning" she says...my faith in her begins to wean. I close the webpage.
Despite the fact that the emotional freedom technique has stolen nine minutes of my life that I will never get back, Something has occurred to me. Although I am absolutely positive that I will never sit in my room, alone, prodding my face, and talking to myself ever again, something about the process has worked...because I have written something.
I send her a thankful e-mail.
I am rid of my blog block.