Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Money Can't Buy Me Love

Girls like gifts. This is a proven fact and it stems from the truth that people, in their very nature, are shallow and materialistic. It is important therefore to constantly buy your significant other presents. It helps to distract from the fact that you're rubbish in bed, poorly motivated, slightly overweight, worse looking than her and all-in-all, inferior in every way. This in itself isn't a problem; buying things is easy. However, choosing what to buy is where most of us mortal men struggle. A friend of mine once bought his girlfriend an ornamental porcelain frog for a birthday and quickly learned that the old adage; it's the thought that counts, was in fact a huge fucking lie (although one could argue that a porcelain amphibian wasn't incredibly thoughtful). If only he had known then that a site such as existed. It rids us of all the responsibility of having to think of original ideas ourselves. What could be better? Well, as I discovered, even the 'experts' occasionally come up with some spectacularly dumb ideas:

  1. Pole-Dancing Lessons

The people at '' know how to treat a lady. That's right, like a stripper. This is basically one of those gifts that people buy for themselves, whilst all the time pretending its for someone else. How any man has the balls to try and convince his significant other that they've always wanted to try pole-dancing is beyond me, but I assume it comes just before the conversation about how, "Charging strangers for hand jobs would really help with the bills". This would lead to an enormous argument, followed by some great 'make up' sex, after which the same guy would leave some money on the dresser and go tell his mates all the gory details. Classy! Still, if you can get away with it.
A better idea would be: A porcelain frog. Honestly, this may be the only time that this is ever true.
If you can get away with it: Then you will be a hero to all of your friends. Not only this, but for her next birthday you can hire a stripper and convince her to have a three-way, because it's just what she always wanted!

2. The 'I Love You Toaster'
This gift is insulting on a number of levels. Firstly, it's a toaster. Toasters are not romantic, neither are vacuum cleaners, irons, or washing machines. Remember this, it may one day save your life. Secondly, knowing most men, it will not be you who's getting up early to make the breakfast. This means that every morning, when your girlfriend/wife slams a plate of toast down on the breakfast table, despite the fact that her hatred for you is beyond human comprehension, you will look down at your plate and see the words "I love you". This will enable you to carry on happily with your day, oblivious to the fact your bed mate wants you dead.
A better idea would be: A cookbook. For some reason cookbooks still count as a thoughtful gift and this way you still get someone to cook for you, without seeming like a jackass (well less of a jackass). Also if the words "I love you" are scrawled across your plate in balsamic reduction, you know it's true!
If you can get away with it: Then although unaware of it, you are living in a loveless relationship. Your partner has given up hope and doesn't expect anything more from you than a love-token toaster. WARNING: She may, someday soon, ask you to fix it with a knife while its still plugged in!

3. Paris Massager (aka vibrating duck)
You're really shooting yourself in the foot with this one! Although it is a gift she will genuinely enjoy, you will be kicking yourself when you realise that the sex has dried up and your girlfriend is running baths three times a day to spend time with her vibrating duck. On the positive side, it will give you a lot of 'you' time, you know, for watching football and surfing the Internet for porn. However the duck has a distinct advantage over you; it is guaranteed to satisfy her in a way you can't and it won't ask for a blow job in return. Also she won't have to make the duck that fucking 'I love you' toast in the morning. Consider yourself ousted!
A better idea would be: Book a night in a flashy hotel, scatter the bed with rose petals and pray to god that your technique is up to scratch. Trust us, it's only a matter of time until she finds out about the duck, so try and prove your worth before she does.

If you get away with it: Pack your bags, you're an idiot and might as well have introduced her to your better looking, better endowed best friend.

4. The I.O.U Token
What is this exactly? It's the gift that isn't a gift, and is proud of it! Instead of actually buying your partner a present, cooking her dinner or treating her to a romantic night out, why not just give her a token that says you'll do it some other time. Possibly when 'Movies for Men' isn't doing a Segal week. It may sound like a really shit gift but as the website says the I.O.U token is "presented in a little red organza pouch". So its actually a really shit gift in a little red organza pouch...whatever the fuck that is.
A better idea would be: ANYTHING! Literally, buying anything would be better than not buying something. These are the basics people, come on now!
If you can get away with it: If this genuinely works then I suggest trying similar tokens with your bank manager, news agent, car insurance, and local supermarket. In fact anyone whom you genuinely owe something. Who know's how far these things will get you.
all gifts available at, plus some that aren't shit.

1 comment:

Blogger said...

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