Sunday, 26 October 2008

The Creationist Timetable

As the U.S presidential debate crawls along like a stray dog hit by a passing car, it has come to light that McCain's VP fancies herself as a bit of a creationist. For those of you who don't know; creationism is a rather un-fact based principal, that takes all proven laws of science and immediately refutes them by waving a big fat bible in their face. Assuming that the laws of science have a face that is. Personally this doesn't bother me, I don't expect anyone working for McCain, or in fact anyone in close proximity to the man, to have any common sense. What is slightly unnerving however, is that Palin (the said VP) wants creationism to be taught in schools. This got me to thinking; if lessons taught in schools didn't have to worry about all that 'fact' nonsense, then education would be a completely different kettle of fish.

just imagine....

Period 1 History:

Seeing as facts are not important, a History syllabus will be created according to the mood of the teacher. Recent history will focus heavily on George Bush's claim that it was God himself, who told him to go to war with Iraq. this will, once and for all, put to rest any doubts about the acquisition of oil being the real reason for invasion. If kids are to ask how God got in touch with George, then the standard response should be "via a text message". Examples of said message may be handed out to classes :text_message


Hey bg guy, tnk its a prty gd idea if we nvade irq. jst tl em i snt ya. :) ttyl, God xx

Period 2 R.E

R.E will be the main focus of a child's education. Lessons will touch on how god created absolutely everything within 7 days. Any student who dares ask exactly what he's been up to since then, will be made to wear a crown of thorns and sit in the corner of the room. Any difficult questions children may ask can be met with the following responses:

  1. "Well, the lord works in mysterious ways."
  2. "Because that is the way God intended it."
  3. "Do you want to go to hell?"
  4. "Shut up, your parents told me you're adopted, how does that make you feel?"
  5. "No that's not true and for the record Darwin was a c*nt."

Period 3: SCIENCE

The answer to all questions within the subject of science (or 'Devil Worship 101' as the class will eventually be renamed), should be God related:


A science teacher stands in front of a classroom full of kids, the word 'Photosynthesis' scrawled on the board.

Teacher: So, children, in summary; what three things do plants need to survive?

A child at the front row eagerly raises his hand

Child: erm...light, oxygen and water

Teacher:  Have you listened to nothing I've said? The answer is 'the father, the son and the holy ghost'. Next question...

The teacher stops mid-sentence as he spots a picture of a dinosaur on a child's T-shirt

Teacher: What. The. Hell. Is. That.

Period 4 P.E:

All physical education will be cancelled, because it disproves the fact that God made all men equal. In order to ensure that children achieve a reasonable level of cardiovascular activity, they will be sent leafleting, thus spreading the word of the lord and annoying all house holders with common sense and a firm grasp of scientific fact.

Period 5 Biology:

Most of the teaching will involve detailed attempts to disprove the scientifically sound theory of Darwinism. Handouts will be distributed featuring images of Darwin holding a fork and wearing horns. Changes in the biology of certain animals will be explained in darwinone of two ways:

  1. "God got bored and decided to stir things up a bit"
  2. "Nothing changed, you're imagining it, go and see the drugs counsellor"

Period 6 Mathematics:

This will still be boring.

Period 7 English:

All modern literature will be thrown out in favour of bible study. Any creative writing assignments should feature stories of God being a badass and smiting loads of non-believers. Also, stories about America being awesome and punishing poorer, weaker, countries for being lame, will be accepted. Other than this, any student-produced literature that dabbles in common sense, or 'sci-fi pieces' concerning matters of *ahem* 'science', will be burnt and the students culpable will soon after be stoned by their peers.

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